Why Does Anxiety Come Back?

I heard a term today that shifted my perspective on emotions like anxiety and depression.

Brain health.

World-renowned brain specialist Dr. Daniel Amen discussed on the Mel Robbins Podcast that he believes we need to replace the term “mental illness” with “brain health.”

“It [the term “mental illness”] shames people, it’s stigmatizing, and it’s wrong. These are brain health issues. And if we can learn how to get our brains healthy, then your mind will be better. The physical functioning of your brain creates your mind. No one wants to be told that they’re ‘mental.’”

Every once in a while, I’ll hear something in a podcast episode or YouTube video that just hits. This was one of those moments.

After more than two years of feeling like anxiety was something of the past for me — experiencing zero panic attacks, and doing so much personal development work — I recently started noticing extremely high anxiety again.

A few months ago, I weened myself off of my low-dose anxiety meds because I’d been feeling so good for so long. Over the past month, I felt stressed and overwhelmed at times, and — in a panic over not wanting to slip back into old habits — I started taking them again; forgetting that the symptoms get worse before they get better.

So, my stress turned into full-blown anxiety.

And it was because of my long stretch of mental wellbeing that this bothered me so f-ing much.

I was literally in tears over the fact that these fearful thoughts were “back” after not being in the picture for so long. I’d thought I was over experiencing anxiety — and yet, here I was again… 

• struggling to stay asleep all night
• waking up in the morning feeling like the world was on my shoulders
• believing that I couldn’t enjoy my days as much because that sense of impending doom was just looming around me.

If you’ve never experienced anxiety before, this probably sounds like insanity. And — honestly — it feels that way sometimes. It’s like you’re afraid of every worst-case scenario, even though you know it’s not reasonable to assume everything is going to go wrong.

I’ve come to pride myself on my ability to rationalize my emotions and select my thoughts. But all of a sudden, I was allowing the pressure that I put on myself to create cracks in my wellbeing — and it all just kind of spiralled from there.

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Do you know what it feels like to mentally spiral?

A thought spiral, also known as “catastrophic thinking,” is a series of negative thoughts that can feel overwhelming. Once you are in a negative headspace because of the first thought, it’s easier to think of more negative thoughts. This anxiety spiral may leave you overthinking and running through worst-case scenarios.

Mine looked something like this:

“I was stressing about work yesterday and didn’t sleep well. I’m so tired from my restless sleep that I’m now napping on the couch at 11am, asking Alex to cover calls for me. And now I’m worried that I’ll have another restless sleep tonight. If I don’t sleep good again, I’ll be tired and moody again tomorrow and I won’t be able to perform as well. If I can’t close these deals and earn us income, I’ll probably lose this opportunity and then we’ll be in a shitty situation.”

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One negative assumption leads into another, and pretty soon you’re convinced that everything is going to go wrong.

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In writing all this out right now, I realize how easy it might be for you reading this to wonder why someone would engage in this kind of thinking.

Why wouldn’t you just talk yourself through it, and snap out of it?

Honestly, you’re right. But it just doesn’t feel that simple in the moment.

The really amusing thing is: during that same week, I literally had one of the best weekends of my entire life. Alex planned an amazing party to celebrate my 30th birthday on a gorgeous rooftop balcony. I was surrounded by my friends and family when he surprised everyone by getting down on one knee and popping the question! I had the biggest smile on my face the entire night, and spent the rest of the weekend with family at the lake.

I still went to bed that night feeling wired and awake (understandably) and woke up the next morning feeling unrested and anxious — like I needed to be prepared for something bad to happen at any moment.

I will never regret one second of that experience, and I absolutely loved every bit of it. But will I look back and laugh at myself for allowing such a beautiful memory to be tainted by aimless fearful thoughts?

Absolutely.

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Our brains require maintenance work, too!

What was bugging me so much was the idea that this mindset was “back.” After all these years, I was back to feeling insecure and afraid. I felt angry.

No one wants to feel like they’re un-progressing. Regressing is the proper word here, I suppose.

But I’ve realized in my last few days of research that in the same way your perfectly-running car will need maintenance from time-to-time — so, too, will your brain.

I’d been feeling great for years, stopped taking my anxiety medication, dwelled on thoughts that caused me to feel stressed out, and then exasperated that stress by starting up my meds again and ramping up the anxious thoughts. I allowed those anxious thoughts to consume me with fear of all the little things that could go wrong, and it just spiralled from there.

So, when I heard this term “brain work” today, I gained a new appreciation for what I’ve been going through.

Because, the thing is: our mindsets are not fixed. Our situations are not permanent. Our lives can change in an instant. Going through periods of high stress teaches us things about ourselves that we wouldn’t otherwise learn, and we realize what types of scenarios trigger uncomfortable emotions.

I believed that anxious thinking was something I’d never have to deal with again. And, honestly, had any one of my circumstances been different, maybe I wouldn’t have gone through these last few weeks of anxiety. But I’m realizing now that it’s just something I can learn to maneuver differently.

And I’m sure, in some way, this experience will make me a stronger person.

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Realize when you’re shaming yourself

It seems common that when we go through phases of emotions that we feel in some way are “wrong,” we deal with them internally because we can’t always rationalize them.

I shouldn’t drag someone into my problems if I can’t even explain to them exactly why I’m feeling this way, right?

I’m now realizing that that thought, in itself, is part of the problem. 

As soon as I told Alex, and some others in my close circle, how I was feeling — I realized how much I was dwelling on it by keeping it all inside. I’d just ruminate over every detail. 

Alex made me realize that I was judging myself pretty harshly, crying over the fact that I’d asked him to step in for me and take my calls so I could have a nap on the couch.

“If you feel that having a nap will set you up better to have a good rest of your day, then just do it. Don’t feel bad about it. I don’t judge you for it, so don’t judge yourself”

I didn’t even realize that I was shaming myself for feeling anxious and needing a break. And, while anyone who’s experienced chronic anxiety or depression would probably agree that they’re not necessarily good feelings, this idea that some emotions are good and others are bad is — I think — a dangerous one. Because it creates this impression that…

• you’re — in some way — wrong for experiencing these feelings
• that it’s something you can’t do anything to control
• that’s just an illness you have, and you must accept being stuck with it.

Whatever you feel is okay. And once we can start accepting our emotions without drowning in them, it becomes clearer how much control we often do have.

“I’m feeling anxious right now… and that’s okay.”

“I’m feeling upset with ____ right now … and that’s okay.”

“I’m having a hard time getting motivated today … and that’s okay.”

When it becomes not okay — in my opinion — is when we do allow ourselves to drown in it. When we just allow ourselves to believe that we have no way to change our experience.

What I’ve learned in these last few weeks of diving into the science behind these emotions is that the way to pull yourself through them is to act. Do something every day that you feel is helping progress you through the experience.

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Here’s one thing I did to help separate myself from my feelings.

I’ve heard from Tony Robbins, Tim Ferris, and brain specialist Dr. Daniel Amen the dopamine benefits of a cold plunge. Here’s some fun facts I found from my research:

A study of hormone concentrations in the blood resulting from cold water immersion showed that plasma concentrations of noradrenaline and dopamine were increased by 530% and 250% (respectively) in young men immersed in 14C water. Given the role that noradrenaline plays in calming the fight or flight response to stress (van Stegeren et al. 2005) and the correlation between dysregulation of the dopamine system and the inability to feel pleasure (Belujon & Grave 2017), any remedy that provides such a boost to these two “happiness hormones,” is going to lift mood.

So I was like…. “Okay, while I’m practicing separating my emotions from my identity, this seems like a good exercise. What if I just do this every single day?”

So, I did.

I’d wake up and think to myself “5,4,3,2,1…go!” out of bed.

I’d go straight into the bathroom and give myself zero time to talk myself out of it.

Turn on the tap to the coldest setting and, 5,4,3,2,1… in!

I fucking hated it. 

The first time. 

The second time. 

The fifth time. 

I still kind of do. 

But when I step in, I repeat to myself over and over and over again:

“This is just a feeling. 

This is just a feeling. 

This is just a feeling.”

It reminds me that the cold sensation against my skin is just that — a sensation. And I can be aware of it without focusing on it. 

I constantly remind myself to take my feelings out of it.

Don’t think about how it’s going to make you feel. Just take action. Just do the thing that your “proud of yourself” you would do. 

Honestly, it turned into an epiphany-like moment.

“Oh…..I just need to do the things that feeling-amazing Kelsey would do. Feeling-amazing Kelsey would jump into that cold shower right now. She’d write in her gratitude journal. She’d meditate. She’d go for a walk with Alex and just enjoy being in nature. 

So, even if I don’t feel like feeling-amazing Kelsey right now, if I just do those actions and take her same steps anyway, I’m progressing. I’m moving forward instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself because I’m experiencing anxiety.”

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I’m not here trying to be your self-help guru.

Quite honestly, I write these posts more for me. But I put them out there because I know that at least one other person will read this and feel something positive from it.

You’re not alone, and you don’t have to feel that you’re “mentally ill.” 

You’re human, and you’re experiencing a modern, human life.

Emotions are a part of that life. I will have days where I don’t feel like I’m my best self. The key to not getting stuck is to keep taking those little actions that I know will move me forward. 

Life is going to keep moving. No matter what our emotional states, all we have to do is just keep stepping forward with it.